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Christian Network

"It is easy to be nice, even to an enemy-from lack of character."

-Dag Hammarskjold

Christians are called to love their enemies. For fallen human beings this is one of the hardest messages Jesus preached. The old man’s desire is to do anything but love those who have caused us pain. For many believers learning to be loving towards enemies is a slow and difficult path that lasts a lifetime. However, for some Christians, this is not the problem at all. For others the problem is an opposite one. Some of us have trouble not being "nice" to those we have conflicts with. When we should be appropriately assertive about wrongs that have been done to us, or others, we instead continue to treat the wrongdoer as if nothing has happened.

There is more than one difficulty with this kind of behavior. To begin with it is dishonest. When we are angry with someone it is hypocritical to pretend we aren’t. While it is not appropriate to indiscriminately unleash our wrath against another person, it is also wrong to act as if everything is sweetness and light in a relationship that is at risk. God desires truth in the inner parts. He desires that that truth be manifest in the outer parts as well. There are times we must lovingly, but firmly, confront people. If we don’t we are pretending to be at peace with someone with whom we are not. We are living a lie.

Another negative result of always being "nice" to someone with whom we have reason to be angry is that the other person is not given a chance to repent of whatever the wrong is. You cannot repent from what you do not know you are doing. There are many individuals who are not aware that their actions towards others can be destructive. There are others who are aware, but think that what they do or say is minor. In both cases being properly confronted could be ultimately beneficial to such individuals because the confrontation may lead to their eyes being opened. They then have the opportunity to humble themselves and ask for forgiveness. In the best-case scenario this can build character in that person.

However where the issue of character most comes into play is with the one who is pretending everything is ok. As Hammarskjold says, being accommodating towards one who is offending is often a result of weakness in the one offended. We fear confrontation and conflict. It is frightening, especially if we are insecure with our self-worth vis a vis others. All of us know people who never stand up for themselves or for what is right. They may try to justify their lack of assertiveness by couching it in spiritual language about "dying to self" or "turning the other cheek" but this is a cop-out, a dishonest dodging of personal responsibility and a sure sign of a flaw in character that needs mending.

There are times in the Christian life when we will be called to go the extra mile with a difficult person for the sake of that person’s potential salvation. The Word of God urges us to do this when we are dealing with someone who is not yet a believer. This is not the always the case, however, when the circumstance involves another child of God. Scripture makes it clear that confrontation is required when a Christian sins against others or us and refuses to stop. This is actually the core purpose of the corporate church discipline instructed by the Bible.

In the end both the offender and the one offended lose when the latter takes the path of least resistance. Assertiveness and Christian love are not mutually exclusive. In fact the command to love that all believers are called to obey cannot fully function unless sin is confronted in individuals as well as in the larger Church. May we all have the courage to give up weakness in the form of kindness that is not ultimately kind.