Today, we start a brief, two-week series on what God has to say about being
husbands and wives. And the reason that I have decided to do this is because
of the children. We are blessed with a goodly number of children and, in
case you haven’t noticed, they are growing up. As a rule, it is God’s plan
that young boys grow up to become husbands and young girls grow up to be
wives. Sometimes, for reasons that He thinks are good, God breaks that rule.
It is, however, still the rule. Now, when I was growing up it was always
assumed that I would become a husband, that I would get married. Again, it
wasn’t something that was discussed, just assumed. So, no one took me aside
to teach me what it means to be a husband. As a result, much of my coming to
understand what it meant to be a husband was a matter of on-the-job
training. I do not advise that method of training. More than once, my
marriage was at risk. And so, while the sermon is for everyone, I have you
parents especially in mind for these sermons. It is primarily your
responsibility to train your children to be ready to become husbands and
wives. So, the questions I want to deal with boil down to this. What traits
you should be training into the lives of your sons so that they can become
good husbands and into the lives of your daughters so that they can become
good wives? There is also a flip side to the sermon, though. I also want to
provide some guidance to you parents so that you can help your sons and
daughters choose wisely when it comes to marriage. What qualities and traits
should a Christian be looking for in a life mate? It really should go beyond
being cute and the ability to make you feel good inside. And you parents are
involved in this. Help your children to choose wisely before you give your
blessing. Remember what the goal is: to serve Christ well in every area of
our lives. And that includes in the area of marriage. If your children have
a good marriage it will enable them to serve Christ better than if there are
lots of issues that they are continually working through with their spouse.
Finding someone prepared to be a Godly mate is very important. But even this
doesn’t exhaust my goals for this series. There’s still another side to the
coin. It’s good for husbands and wives to ask themselves some questions from
time to time. ‘What does it mean for me to be a Godly spouse? What does God
expect of me? How am I doing?’
Now, this whole area of being husbands and wives is one where there has been
lots of debate over the past several decades. It is not my goal to get into
the details of any of that. As with most of my sermons these days, I am
giving you the conclusions of my studies, not how I got there. If you want
to know my reasons for the things that I am teaching, you ask me later.
Today, we deal with husbands. Next week, D.V., we deal with wives.
Let’s start with one of the key notions of our text. ‘For the husband is the
head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…’ What’s this all
about? In clear and simple terms, the husband is responsible for what
happens in his marriage and he will be held accountable by God for that. The
husband is called upon to lead. I hope that it is abundantly clear that this
has nothing to do with even a hint of ‘I’m the boss and so you have to do
what I command.’ That’s just tyranny. Leadership is a calling to be
responsible. So, a good leader cares for the people he is leading. He makes
it his goal to do all that he can so that they can achieve their goals, the
goals that Christ has set before them. And so, while it has been made trite,
the saying is true. A good leader serves those whom he leads. The model for
this is, of course, Jesus. He leads the Church by serving her. His goal is
to see the Church achieve her goal, that she would flourish as a beautiful
bride. That is the goal for every husband, to see his wife flourish. That
covers every aspect of her life. In every sense, the wife is to flourish.
That is the goal that is set before the husband.
The Spirit does not leave men to themselves in figuring out how to do this.
He is clear in our text. A husband is to nourish and cherish his wife. We
usually think of nourishment in terms of food for the body. Obviously, in
this context more is intended. Here, the Spirit is talking about the tender
care of the soul, the inner person. Sadly, many wives are neglected. The
husband provides a nice house, a well-funded budget and all the rest, and
yet the spirit of the wife is famished. She is not cared for. And it shows.
She needs her husband to do this. She needs to feel cherished by her man. If
it were not a need in her life it wouldn’t be included here in our text. It
is as she experiences these things that she will find it easier to achieve
the goals that Jesus sets before her. If the wife is not feeling cherished,
something is wrong. The husband needs to deal with that. If he isn’t then he
is failing as a leader. And he will be held accountable for that. And this
nourishing and cherishing is not mysterious or complicated. It is an
attitude the husband has toward his wife that shows in terms of things like
being affectionate – just because. We used to call them SDAs – spontaneous
displays of affection. It shows in actually sitting down and sharing with
your wife what’s going on in your life. Yes, talking! Or in taking care of
those little projects around the house that would make her life work a bit
better. And sometimes it also includes things like gently telling your wife
that she has sinned and that you want to help her to change. Nourishing and
cherishing.
Having established all of that we’re now ready for the question I want you
to seriously consider. How do you train your sons to be like this? Let me
mention a few things. First, how do they treat their sisters and other
girls? If for them girls are just the same as boys except they were dresses
sometimes then is it any wonder if they will treat their wives, emotionally
speaking, as ‘one of the guys’? How many husbands are completely baffled
because their wives don’t think and feel in the same way some guy does? And
how many wives are frustrated by husbands who don’t understand them? Here,
let me brag about my grandson – or actually his father, but don’t let him
know I said that. Isaac, who is six, is being taught to be a gentleman and
to treat his sister as a young lady. And so, when I was out there last time
I watched as he pulled open the van door and helped his sister get in. He is
being taught that girls are different, and that will help him when he finds
a wife.
Next, your sons need to learn how to make decisions. A leader needs to
gather the relevant information, assess the situation wisely in light of
that information, and then come to a conclusion on how to proceed. There are
many husbands who do not have this skill. They don’t know how to properly
gather the needed information. If they don’t know it they refuse to ask.
[Pride!] They do not assess the situation wisely, considering the different
implications of a decision, like how will this affect the family in the
short term and the long term. And then there are some men who, because of
their fears, are unable to come to a clear conclusion. They put it off or
refuse to decide which leads to a frustrated wife who fills the vacuum and
makes the decisions for the family. How are your sons doing at making
decisions? Help them to identify where they falter in this and show them how
to overcome these obstacles.
Your sons need to understand self-denial. Jesus calls all of His disciples
to deny themselves. This is especially needed in those who would lead. This
is hard to do in the best of circumstances. It is made worse for us because
we live in an especially self-centered culture. ‘Sacrifice’ is not a part of
our vocabulary. And yet, Jesus sacrificed everything for His Bride. So, as
your sons deal with their sisters and other girls, they need to see that
sometimes it’s not a matter of justice. It’s not always about who is right.
Sometimes they need to sacrifice. If they don’t learn that as boys how will
they practice it as husbands?
But then the response will be, ‘What about my desires? What about my needs?
If I always give in, if I always sacrifice how will my needs be met?’ This
leads to the last area I’ll mention today: piety. Your sons will never
become Godly husbands unless they have a lively faith in Jesus. That speaks
to the issue of desires and needs. Your sons need to be convinced that Jesus
will meet all their needs and even their desires – at the right time. But
His idea of the right time may well be very different from theirs. And so,
they need to be able to trust Him. Faith. And this lively faith in Jesus
will help your sons sacrificially love their wives during those times when
their wives are not especially loveable. They need to develop a man’s piety.
It’s not better than a woman’s piety, but it is different from the piety a
woman needs.
This is some of what you aiming at as you train your sons. And these are the
sorts of things that you are looking for when some young man comes
a-courting for your daughter. Be careful before you give your blessing to
any marriage.
Having said all of that I need to include the fact of sin. Wouldn’t it be
great to be a husband like this or to see your sons become husbands like
this? And it would certainly be great for a wife to have a husband like
this. But no man is a husband like this. Sin spoils everything – at least
for now. And so, you also need to teach your sons about their sins. No, it
isn’t just a little bit of a character flaw. And saying that nobody’s
perfect doesn’t work as an excuse. A leader needs to admit his sins and deal
with them properly. And after identifying them as such he needs to repent of
them. And while that certainly means speaking to the Father about them, it
usually includes speaking to his wife about them also. So, teach your son
how to humble himself and repent of his sins and ask for forgiveness from
the Father as well as from others. At the same time teach him the joy of
forgiveness. No penance needed. Jesus has fully paid for all his sins. All
is forgiven. Graciously.
This gracious forgiveness applies to sinful parents also. I did not practice
with my sons what I preached to you this morning. My fault. And yet, our God
is gracious to sinners. So, don’t be discouraged if you’ve been reminded of
your sins as a parent. Repent and begin where you are and look to your
gracious God to do good.
